the bug

I need an Airhead. That’s not to trivialize the situation. I just seem to think more rationally with unnecessary sugar. Or salt. But I ate a whole bag of popcorn last night. I’m not going to get up anyway. I know that if I do I’ll lose my chance, and oh how I need you tonight.

There are so many things that I don’t know and don’t understand, even though I’ve spent my life trying to learn. There aren’t enough master’s classes for some things… and some things aren’t even covered in school. I’ve got pi. I don’t ‘get’ pi, but I know it. 3.14(159265—okay, I had to Google that last part.) The Battle of Hastings: 1066 which marked the death of the last Anglo Saxon king. I can count to a million in Spanish and English, and to about fifty in Roman numerals, but people are things I simply can’t understand.

I don’t know how one day can feel like it was designed just for me, just like my stars, my planets, my God, and all with whom I come in contact are aligned and in agreement, amen….and even though I don’t change, even though I’m constant, resolute, as genuine as genuine can be, another day can feel so terribly different.

Today was not designed for me….unless God has a wicked sense of humor and this is punishment…I won’t accept that though. I do believe that God laughs; I just don’t think that he laughs at the expense of others. I think that God laughs at harmless things, like farts, and kid jokes, and hiccups. Today was not funny. Today hurt. Nothing was aligned, and no one agreed (at least not with me). How can days fall out so differently? Don’t you ever wonder this?

I want so desperately to be a good person. I evaluate my purpose and my impact as often as I breathe. I thought that that was the point…to be a good person, to make a difference, to do unto others….Then why is it that when we do unto some they react differently than when we do unto others? Why is it that I was taught the Golden Rule as though it were a law but for others it seems a mere suggestion? The feedback is so confusing. Some days you’re the windshield; some days you’re the bug….Well said, cliche as it is. Hurrumph. Are you nodding yet? If you are, then there’s really no need to continue on….I’m preaching to the choir, right? Exactly. That’s my point.

We ALL have these days. We ALL feel out of sync at times, even though when it’s our turn it’s easy to feel utterly alone. I realize that not everyone is as sensitive as I am (oh how my husband wishes that I could just bite my thumb and say the hell with fill in blank here), and I think that’s probably a good thing. But I also sense that there are those in our world who equate sensitivity with naivety. And, to be frank, that pisses me off. There, I said it.

If anything, naivety would be a blessing. Some days I wish that I were ignorant. I may not know much more than pi, but I know things about people and how they treat one another, and about our world, and about life that I cannot unlearn. Knowledge is a blessing and a burden, but it surely doesn’t make one naive. It’s the opposite, in fact. I know how people are, as in, “Carrie, you know how people are…” Yeah, I do know, but like pi, knowing isn’t always the same as understanding.

 

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